I used to think complete isolation was the only way to stay safe. We thought it was the only option we had as a way to live our life. It was not a fun experience but in the moment, We couldn’t see any other way that could possibly be better.
Then things changed and we had short periods of time where we would participate in society on a level a little higher than required to sustain life. It never lasted and isolation was so welcoming and easy to retreat back into. I even convinced myself that I liked it. That it was healthy. That it was helping us heal.
It wasn’t. It was keeping me locked in a world of pain and fear and building ten feet high walls to keep out anything remotely related to support, caring, friendship, love, the things we were created to need and enjoy. All the things that have the potential to cause pain.
I find myself scared to death of anything that can go wrong or end in emotional pain. I avoid it at all costs. But I have realized recently that in doing that, I have created a huge amount of my own emotional pain while missing out on the good things only other people can offer. Its really not a trade off at all. Its a very lonely place to be. Its a loss. A big loss.
I’m ready to gain. I’m ready to stand in the rain long enough to see the rainbow. I’m ready let others in on a level that I never have before. I’m ready to learn how to love people. Even if I must do it afraid. I will do it.
I haven’t wanted to write because I don’t want to lie and I don’t want to be honest about how much it hurts either. I don’t want anything to do with remembering any of this mess. I need a break. A mental cave to explore with waterfalls and rainbows and teddy bears. Skittles and butterflies and teardrops and Daises. Everyone needs a Daisy in their life.
I knew the sadness would eventually come. The goal is to live without needing to be numb so I’m not complaining. I was given fair warning that it was going to painful.
I am feeling closer to my younger parts tonight. A connection, bond, communication, whatever you want to call it. Thanks H. Your amazing and I could not do this without you. I am starting to see their pain in a new way and they are so very isolated and lonely. So I wrapped them up in a blanket and took them to sit on Jesus’ lap and let them tell him all about it. And YES, I do realize how crazy that sounds. I’m OK with that today. It actually felt pretty amazing by the time it was over.
I had therapy with H on Wednesday and she wanted to talk to Eight. I am fine with that. They talked. She wants me to start trying to listen. I didn’t want to. She asked me to pray about it. Can’t argue that logic. She is wise. God has softened my heart to this challenge. Reminding me that he is already there, that he has gone before me and made a way. Funny how some lessons just transfer and never get used up. So I tell myself, “then you must do it afraid.” And I find renewed hope in those words. Because God has proven himself faithful when I did it afraid.
The strangest thing has been happening since I was there. I feel as if there are tears hiding out behind my eyes. No crying but a feeling that I could start any moment. I’m not sure what it is so I’m claiming it as progress.
Random, wordy post. Sorry. I felt inspired by a Daisy.
Some moments are OK, some are good, some are great. Then there are all the ones that are in between when you are alone in your pain and have to make decisions by yourself, for yourself and that’s when it gets really hard. It is probably also where most of your faith and endurance is built. I believe that because its so dang hard that sometimes I feel like I can’t stand it for another minute. I feel myself being pulled to some old coping skills that would make it all go away in a matter of a couple minutes max. Its not illegal, it doesn’t hurt anyone else, nobody ever even knows. It can be insanely easy to justify and even harder to walk away from. The problem with that is…I know. God knows.
It is not coincidence that I have both the new therapists I have, and the new friends I have and the new church I’m attending and the giant leap in healing that is happening - all at the same time. They are all so intricately connected that its nothing but God’s amazing grace.
Its all God.
I have known for a long time that God was asking me to make changes. And it wasn’t even bad changes. But it involved changing therapists and churches and emotions and relationships and trust and I didn’t do any of those things. I was agonizingly fearful of them. I would have that still small voice trying to tell me it would be OK and I would do everything I could to annihilate it before it could ever develop into a deep thought, feeling or worse…conviction. I was frozen with fear and I was miserable. I couldn’t go back to not knowing. Deep down, I knew what I needed to do. I also knew that the moment I asked God to help me, he would.
And he did more than I could have ever asked or imagined.
January 1st, 2014. My heart was breaking. I prayed to God for help. For forgiveness, for willingness, for him to show me his plan. For him to change me so that I could start doing what he was asking me to do. All day, I prayed. And I gotta say, it came with a renewed calmness and peace and forgiveness that I so desperately needed. He was waiting for me to come to him.
He is waiting for you too. Ask him. He WILL help you.
I felt a really strong need to be around God’s people that night. That was the first thing he asked me to do that took more courage than I had on my own. So I found a church that was having a New Years Service. We took a shower and got ready. I say we because I did dissociate quite a few times from being so fearful of going. When we made it there, we text my husband to say we didn’t know what to do next.
DUH, we did know what to do. So we started to pray. Eventually, we got out of the car. In almost full panic mode, we told Satan to get away from us and it all happened really fast. Then with God’s help, we walked through the doors. And that was the beginning of the rest of our life.
God is so good.
Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us
I hate nightmares. I’ve had them since I was little. I used to be terrified to go to sleep at night. As an adult, it became more of an accepted dread.
I know its going to happen. I don’t even bother mentioning them to my husband anymore. They have been such a routine, expected part of my life that I gave up on anything about them changing a long time ago.
Its not something I really like to talk about but I tell you so that I can tell you this. You cannot imagine how surprised I was this week when something did change. And it will probably seem like its not that big of a deal to most of you.
But It is faith affirming. It is encouraging, It is AMAZING for someone like me.
Praise God, it IS a big deal!!!
I still woke up all through the night. But every time I would wake up. I would start to come out of this foggy dream state and I would realize that I wasn’t having a nightmare at all. I could hear music playing in my head. I had a feeling of worship. A feeling of praising God because he is worthy. A feeling of so much peace, I couldn’t believe it was happening for someone like me. And the joy that came from that gift of connection with God Almighty. I could not contain it. I thought I was going to hyperventilate trying to get the words out to tell someone what God did for me.
God is doing great things. I’m excited!!! I know my circumstances right now are challenging to say the least but I can’t help it. Even when my heart is breaking and I feel like processing all this stuff will crush me. I still know God is doing something big. I don’t know what hes doing but I just know its so good. We are going to look back on this season of our life and have an amazing testimony. His power is being made known. We are so weak and damaged and I don’t even have words for walking through this valley. Yet he is still showing up everyday and making things happen. He is changing things in ways that everyone around me knows it has to be all him. It can’t possibly be anything less than God.
I am so grateful that God saved a sinner like me. I feel like I keep coming back to this same thing. I can’t help it. It just blows me away that God can take a life as messed up as mine is and still use it, in its current condition, for his glory. I can’t believe that is really happening. So consider yourself warned that I might post about this a thousand more times before I get it out of my system.
There is hope. There is healing. Prayer changes things. Love changes things.
GOD changes things if you will just ask him.